Being selfish is something that I struggle with. It's been a struggle since I was a child, but over the last few months, I'd say that this poor quality that I have, has spiraled out of control.
Selfish: concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure
Recently, I've experienced some huge changes in my life. I've been going through a divorce, I've started a new job in a new place, and I've had to do life on my own for the first time in a long time. Doing life alone, has been the most difficult thing to adjust to...especially because I suffer from anxiety.
At first, it was really hard to be home alone. So, I would go out and do other things. The majority of my friends are not living a Christ centered life, so I wasn't doing Christ centered things. I spent a lot of time out at night. I had made a lot of regrettable decisions. Nothing that I did, aligned with the life I wanted to live- or the life that God wanted me to live. I had spent so many days being miserable, because I chose to take matters into my own hands, and deal with my problems in my own way. I made it all about me, and I lost my focus on God. I let my feelings become more important than Him. I felt like He became distant. Although, that wasn't the case. I was the one that became distant. I stopped making myself available to Him, because for some reason, I thought I knew what was best for me.
I cannot know God's will, if I'm not walking in God's ways.
Now, when you stop listening... you block your own blessings. I wanted to live the life God has planned for me so badly. I was stopping myself though. I would let my feelings get the best of me and act out on them. I had a tendency to just go with the flow. My inclination to do whatever I felt like based on my emotions was becoming self destructive. Every couple of days, I was finding myself in a rut, each one worse than the last. It has been a vicious cycle. Every week, I would go to church on Sunday, feeling ready to conquer the week. Except, by the time Friday night came around, I was back making bad choices and using my circumstances as my excuse. I had to change though, I was sick of being on this carousel.
But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
I've realized that when you chase sin and give into temptation, it's never good enough. Sin gets you feeling high and it leaves you wanting more. I've realized you can't just function only when everything is functional. Your life is a result of your choices. When things aren't going well, and you keep ending up in the same spot- you have to make a choice. You can keep following your own will or you can follow His. It's so important to remember that God knows what He is doing with us and we must let Him take the reigns. Our calling isn't to follow our own selfish needs and desires, but our calling is to be directed by the clear and plain teaching of the word of God.
So, I urge you to take control of what you can control. Which would be, using discernment in your everyday life. When we do that, God will take care of the rest. I've had to take the time to self-reflect and see all this. Ask yourself: what's blocking me from my own blessings?.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on firm footing. Psalms 143:10
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