Take the high road

Don’t get in the way of the Lord’s purposes by making it all about you...”

Being selfish is something that I struggle with.  It's been a struggle since I was a child, but over the last few months, I'd say that this poor quality that I have, has spiraled out of control.

 Selfish: concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure

Recently, I've experienced some huge changes in my life.  I've been going through a divorce, I've started a new job in a new place, and I've had to do life on my own for the first time in a long time. Doing life alone, has been the most difficult thing to adjust to...especially because I suffer from anxiety. 

At first, it was really hard to be home alone. So, I would go out and do other things. The majority of my friends are not living a Christ centered life, so I wasn't doing Christ centered things. I spent a lot of time out at night. I had made a lot of regrettable decisions. Nothing that I did, aligned with the life I wanted to live- or the life that God wanted me to live. I had spent so many days being miserable, because I chose to take matters into my own hands, and deal with my problems in my own way. I made it all about me, and I lost my focus on God. I let my feelings become more important than Him. I felt like He became distant. Although, that wasn't the case. I was the one that became distant. I stopped making myself available to Him, because for some reason, I thought I knew what was best for me.

I cannot know God's will, if I'm not walking in God's ways.

Now, when you stop listening... you block your own blessings. I wanted to live the life God has planned for me so badly. I was stopping myself though. I would let my feelings get the best of me and act out on them. I had a tendency to just go with the flow. My inclination to do whatever I felt like based on my emotions was becoming self destructive. Every couple of days, I was finding myself in a rut, each one worse than the last. It has been a vicious cycle. Every week, I would go to church on Sunday, feeling ready to conquer the week. Except, by the time Friday night came around, I was back making bad choices and using my circumstances as my excuse. I had to change though, I was sick of being on this carousel. 

But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

I've realized that when you chase sin and give into temptation, it's never good enough. Sin gets you feeling high and it leaves you wanting more. I've realized you can't just function only when everything is functional. Your life is a result of your choices. When things aren't going well, and you keep ending up in the same spot- you have to make a choice. You can keep following your own will or you can follow His.  It's so important to remember that God knows what He is doing with us and we must let Him take the reigns. Our calling isn't to follow our own selfish needs and desires, but our calling is to be directed by the clear and plain teaching of the word of God.
So, I urge you to take control of what you can control. Which would be, using discernment in your everyday life. When we do that, God will take care of the rest. I've had to take the time to self-reflect and see all this. Ask yourself: what's blocking me from my own blessings?.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on firm footing. Psalms 143:10

F L E S H

FLESH: thoughts not rooted in righteousness - no kind of God influence 

“Nothing good can come from a mind that gives into every desire....”

If you gave into every desire, every want, every craving...where would you be? 

I’ve learned that you can’t do this. I’ve learnd this in SO many ways. Painful ways.. which we will get to in the future.

One BIG problem I always had with food, was giving in to it whenever I thought of it. I couldn’t tell myself no. Heck, I couldn’t even tell myself to stop when I was full. I would emotionally binge eat and then feel bad for myself after, which I have mentioned before. I felt like I had no control over this aspect (or many aspects) of my life. 

I knew I had to gain control. I figured out what I had to do. As a Christian, gaining control meant I had to give someone else control..and that meant letting Jesus take the reigns on my life. I’m not saying that my struggle with food is what brought me to Jesus..(I was saved long before that) but I knew He could help me with this, because He loves me so much and helped me so much already. 

See, it helps to surround yourself with like minded people. Look at the people you spend the most time with...coworkers, friends, family...have they reached goals that you wish to obtain? Do you take advice from other Christians? Do you ask for advice from 
friends that are where you want to be? Be aware of who you allow to feed into your soul. 

Jesus removed people from my life. He added new people in. 
He allowed these new people around me to lead me. I learned that God shows you things and speaks to you in many ways. Through other Christians, through His word, sometimes a dream..my goals were a lot easier to obtain with a group of women who had the same goals as me.

When I let God take the reigns, He literally took full control of my life. I was able to realize that I CAN take control of my own thoughts. Obsessive thoughts, anxious thoughts..you name it. When you have a higher power above yourself and you are able to look to  Christ.. you are able to make all of your thoughts obedient to Him. 

Some of us don’t know how to be. Some of us don’t know when to say no, some of us can’t figure out the right way...but luckily we have God’s word to guide us, when we don’t know what to do. 

You’ve got to get out of the middle and see things from God’s point of view. 

Now, back to my first question...
What if we gave into everything we wanted? 

What happens AFTER you’ve had all that you wanted? 

God's Baseball Bat

...God is always trying to get our attention.  Proverbs says He desires to lead us with just the glancing of his eyes, kind of like when your parents gave you the stink eye from across the room, you knew what they were communicating because you knew them well.  God desires to lead us like that, but if we are not catching his eye contact.... he will use a baseball bat. 

I dislocated my knee in October. I was unable to workout or dance for about a month. That was a terrible feeling! I was working out 2 times a day 5-6 times a week and teaching dance part time. I had just finished performing for 3 weekends in a row with the dance team I was on.  I was extremely disappointed and obviously all I could think was, whyyyyyyyyyyy did this have to happen!? 

After posting my distress on my instgram story, my pastor reached out to me with the message at the beginning ofthis post. He told me his opinion was that God wants to use this time for me to unplug and have me become an open book. I was told to write down my thoughts and let God write in me. 

Now, I knew this was true. I knew this was true because I had received the warning God was trying to give me, before I got knocked down the with "baseball bat". A very good friend of mine...(whom I look up to as a Godly woman and whose advice I value) told me something. She told me that I need to slow down and be thankful for where I am. She told me I've come so far and  I should be really proud of myself. She told me I don't need to be obsessive or cocky over the gym or dance. She said I need to make sure that the gym and dance does not become more important than anything else. I recognized I was acting in my old ways (how I used to act before I gave my life to Christ). I made an adjustment to my attitude and I prayed more often. Although, I kept working out and dancing just as aggressively and I didn't make much time for my relationship with God.... and that's when the bat came out and I was knocked down. 

I tried my best (or what I thought was my best) to seek God during this time. I tried to fill myself with the word. Although, I kept feeling stuck and no growth in my relationship with Him. I kept working out my upper body as much as I could, and when I got off of my crutches I began working out my lower body again. Once again, obsessively. I found out I would need knee surgery in 4 months, and I needed to get in as much pump time as possible. I kept this up all the way until January 10th, the night before my surgery. 

As you can imagine and if you know me, my anxiety got real over the last two weeks before my surgery.

Would I die? Would I need my leg amputated? What if the surgeon messes up my leg and I can never dance or deadlift again? What happens in the unknown while I’m sleeping? What if I don’t wake up after? 

I could have easily driven myself into a panic attack, but I didn’t. I remembered why I was here. I remembered all the crazy steps over the years that led up to the day before my surgery. Everything added up to me having to trust God! I mean, I did give my life to Him! I had to remind myself about why everything that happened, happened. I applied to my current job over the summer, and I didn’t get a callback until October. I got injured in October, and got my health insurance in November. I thought the easiest way to transition into my second job was over summer, so that I could quit my other second job without any issues. I thought it was the perfect timing. That wasn’t Gods timing though! When I thought I was ready, God said no. When I thought “whoa this is a horrible time to get a new job”.... that was actually the right timing in God’s eyes! I didn’t understand how I was going to manage that in the middle of the dance season. Everything worked out though, and God didn’t bring me to all of these points because it wasn’t going to work out...

I was able to quit my second job at the schools..start my new second job...
Get great insurance, have surgery I desperately needed... and I still get to keep doing what I love. All of that made me feel a lot better. It didn’t make me feel like I was free from anything bad happening during surgery necessarily.. but it reminded me that God loves me and cares for me SO much! Look at all He has done. 

He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him. Proverbs 2:8 NLT 

Faith. Weights. Protein Shakes.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. 

Hebrews 12:11 NIV 

Discipline: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior; training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character 

I have struggled with food for a long time. It's been used as a crutch, to make me feel better. There's also always an excuse to have more food (or to have unhealthy food)... it's someone's birthday, there's a party, I have my period, I've had a bad day, I'm going out to dinner with friends... etc. I have always searched for and positively found a reason to not eat healthy, and to binge eat whatever I was indulging in. 

The reason I say "searched for" and "positively found" is because I was on a search, and I would find any reason to justify whatever it was I was eating. I would tell myself I don't have time to cook, or (this is the best one).. "I DESERVE" this piece of pizza and cake. I would tell myself I deserve things because I am a hard worker and I had a rough week. I would then proceed to binge eat my food, in front of the tv and wake up and cry the next morning as I had looked at myself in the mirror. This was a daily routine. 

Deserve: to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital 

Why is food put on a pedestal? Why is food used as a treat? When I was thinking about food this way, and giving myself what I "deserve", I was actually making myself more unhappy. I had mixed emotions about food. I thought it was a reward, but I also thought it was the enemy.  It was a reward at night and it was an enemy when I woke up. In reality though, I was my own enemy and I let the enemy in my head about this. 

I have a strong spiritual life. This was the only thing I was weak in. My wife asked me why do I pray about everything besides this? The one thing I struggled with. I had no good reason not to. So, I began praying for strength and to view food differently. I remembered one of my old pastors asking us once, "is what you want now, what you want most?", and that question I applied to every single meal I ate. God gave me strength and clarity to realize that food is not a reward, it's what we need to survive. God gave me strength and clarity to have a new perspective on what it is I want most in life and how to get it. What I want now (chicken wings and brownies and beer) is not what I want most (to be happy and strong and honoring my body and my Father). 

God gave us ONE body to live our ONE life. We owe it to Him, to keep it fit and healthy and well. If you are living to please God, then this process will be much easier for you. I know that I want to do everything I can do to please Christ, after all He has done for me. This perspective has made things a lot easier for me. God put me in the right place at the right time to meet the right people. He allowed me to meet the owner of a gym and get involved at that gym. God gave me the strength to make life changing decisions and transformations. God gave me self-control, self-discipline and understanding in my life. I deserve to be happy with myself. I feel so much strength, knowing how disciplined I am. I see such a difference physically and mentally after exercising so much discipline... and that is much more rewarding than any piece of cake. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 

Proverbs 3 NIV 

(Trust the Lord completely, and don't depend on your own knowledge. With every step you take, think about what he wants, and he will help you go he right way.)